"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool, what swimming pool? Is this 937-2819?"
____________________ I Smoke Weed With Aussie Cops!
APPLYING FOR SOCIAL SECURITYA retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver`s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asked.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opened his shirt, revealing lots of curly, silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair is proof enough for me," and processed his Social Security application.
When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
____________________ I Smoke Weed With Aussie Cops!
The dean of women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
____________________ I Smoke Weed With Aussie Cops!
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier.
In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
____________________ I Smoke Weed With Aussie Cops!
